People pleasing is the act of going against your authenticity and your boundaries to please another person because you feel as though if you don’t do what makes them happy, they will get upset with you. People pleasing is something that many people partake in. Over the years I have come to realize that it stems from fear and a lack of boundaries.
Fear sets in when you feel as though you will lose people if you speak your truth and let them know that you don’t want to attend their party, their function, or hang out with them when they may want you to. Let’s say one of your friends wanted you to go to the movies, but you were absolutely exhausted and had loads of work.
Out of fear you may say “yes” to that friend. You may also fear that if you say “no” there will be a conflict. This is where overthinking comes in. You are already thinking of having a potential argument and an unsatisfactory outcome.
When you keep saying yes to everyone and saying no to yourself this is a lack of boundaries. Having a lack of boundaries will invite toxicity and more issues into your life. However knowing what your boundaries are will allow you to manifest more favorable situations and will give you a backbone.
The first step in creating boundaries is self-love. You have to know that you are worthy of not letting people boss you around, drain you, and walk all over you. You have to be okay with saying, “no” to people because you want to now say, “yes” to yourself. I never was a people-pleaser and still am not. I had a very traumatic past and was exposed to people at an early age that wanted to keep me trapped. It was because of these situations that I actually created my boundaries at an early age. I wanted to protect my peace at all costs.
Setting boundaries does just that. Knowing what you like and don’t like, knowing how you want to feel and how you don’t want to feel can help you set boundaries. Your job is to stick to them and make others aware of those boundaries if need be.
People pleasing can cause you to feel drained. When you set your boundaries and begin to say “no” to things you hate and “yes” to things you love, this will invite more peace, love, and joy into your life. Doing what brings you the most happiness actually boosts your mood.
When you do what you love and say “yes” to you, you are releasing oxytocin. Oxytocin gives you an overall sense of well-being and creates calmness. When you go against your authenticity and put your needs on the backburner this can create neuropsychiatric conditions and put you in a fear state.
How can you stop people pleasing?
Set Boundaries – As mentioned you have to write down what you like and what you don’t like. It is your life so you want to be very specific. Know exactly how you want to feel and how you don’t want to feel.
Stop saying “yes” to everyone – Every “yes” that you felt like saying “no” to is a “no” to you. You can really lose yourself. Your life will become somebody else’s and you will feel drained. Those neighbors that want to talk your ear off will have to wait. I have a neighbor like that and my response when I can’t speak is, “I have to go, but have a great day.” That’s all you have to say. It doesn’t have to be confrontational, but it does have to protect your peace.
Create your life – Create your life around your peace. Whatever makes you feel peaceful focus on that and let no one deter. No one is in charge of your life but you. How do you want it to look like? Many people do what is expected of them to please people. They truly care what others think. However when it comes down to it you will never be able to please everybody.
Repel people – Yes I said it. You have to be willing to be yourself, speak your truth, and follow your authenticity, even if it means losing people in the process. About 50 people will love you and 50 people will hate you. This is when you are your most authentic. If everyone loves you, you are not being true to yourself. If everyone hates you, then maybe you need some humility and some time to reflect.
When you cleanse yourself of toxicity you will feel lighter, more energized, and absolutely free. This does wonders for your cognition and your serotonin levels. This brings the body into balance. Your gut health will improve because it is not experiencing chronic stress or inflammation.
You have the ability to go from fear to being absolutely confident about how you want to live your life. Remember to set those boundaries so you know what you will accept and what is no longer serving you. Say “yes” to yourself and say “no” to what is making you feel uncomfortable. Listen to your gut. It is one of your three minds.
This will keep you in alignment. Create your life around what you want your peace to look like. If you want to paint for 4 hours, meditate for the entire day, or exercise everyday at 7 am EST go and do that. Do not care how that looks like to other people. Be willing to repel people who are not serving your highest good. This will reduce your stress levels and make you feel calm and relaxed.
Are you currently a people pleaser? Do you want to stop this behavior and need my help? Let me know in the comments!
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